“He who aims at nothing hits it every time!” One of our family’s favorite sayings. The truth is applicable to all of life, but it is particularly true in parenting. The target is so important. Now I’m not speaking in terms of the recently divorced woman when she spoke of her ex-husband saying, “I missed my husband today, but my aim is getting better.” When I speak of the aim we have for our children, be certain that they are not the target, but rather, it is their future, and more importantly, their character.
I often ask groups of parents, “What do you want your child to be like when they are fully grown?” Never has a parent named a career, a degree, an income, or an accomplishment. I have discovered that parents universally think of character traits, some as simple as a “hard worker.” The reality is that most parents don’t stop long enough to really define what the most important values are to them. It is easy to say “good character,” or “a good person,” but those descriptions are too general.
The more specific the goal for each child, the better, but universally noble character traits work as well, such as speaking the truth at all times, being cheerful, helping the weak, or being thrifty. To develop character, your child needs the skills, knowledge, and experiences that are central to the desired trait. A mixture of three things help move a child along the path of development: (1) books or stories about someone who was known for that character trait, (2) encounters with real people, great or small, who live it out, and (3) experiences that demand the development of the trait.
Our oldest two children loved horses. That offered us an opportunity to use something they loved to develop the character traits of dependability, independence, and responsibility. Though we knew nothing about competitive riding, we knew it would involve a lot of responsibility and would foster independent thinking. It would also require consistency in many things.
The kids were 8 and 9 years old when we began this process of daily grooming, feeding and riding. At first, we were all learning together, but they quickly became the experts of the family. Horse trainers were involved to facilitate their growth, but remember, we weren’t aiming at horses. Horses was just the tool we chose to develop character. As we saw the signs of character rising, we carefully backed away from responsibility, shifting it to them, expecting them to independently think and act for their horses.
It was quite a feat to get ready for a horse show since it was typically a 3-day affair. Someone had to load the trailer with 2 horses, all their gear, all the show clothes for 2 riders, as well as their regular clothes, all the horse documents, feed, buckets, blankets, and more. A thorough lists of everything needed was essential to prevent forgetting a small, but important item. Who made the list? The kids did! (Of course, we oversaw the process and made suggestions.)
By the time, they were 11 and 12, my wife would say to them on the morning of departure for a show, “Let me know when you have everything loaded, and ready to head out. Your brothers and I will come out and get in the car.” When departure time arrived, they had hitched up the trailer, backed into place, loaded everything on all those lists, and had the car ready for everyone else to hop in. Did I mention they were 12 and under?
Their success depended on a long list of skills. Today, I even question my memory! There’s no way they could have done all of that at their age. They would have to be able to drive and back up a trailer, handle 1200 pound horses in tight spaces, know how much food is needed for a horse for 3 days, know where all the stuff is that needs to go, and be able to load it efficiently in the limited space. AND be able to do it cheerfully with a sibling.
The traits we saw lived out didn’t suddenly appear, but consistent, daily practice, laced with failures and successes accomplished the feat. These tales are not about some amazing kids or proud parents, these tales are normal development of character in children that are just like yours. It does take planning and fun, work and smiles, learning and laughter.
When you are making progress in life, there is one thing true: it is uphill all the way. To make progress with our children, we often need ways to pace ourselves in our progress. The longterm view does help us to stay on track, but sometimes we have to set short-term check-in spots to show the progress and measure the pace. We were always on the lookout for programs that had built-in goal setting along with skills and knowledge training. Boy scouts, 4H, music lessons, and speech and debate competition were among the things that helped us have that structure and system. There are lots of organizations that have character training components, and can easily fit into the plan. Many families use a variety of sports or cheerleading to pursue personal development. None of these things are completely automatic though. If you want it to produce results, it will take regular engagement with your child to groom his attitude toward growth, and to commend him on the visible progress in character development. It is during the engagement process that the five most powerful words in the English language must be used, “I am proud of you.”
In the long game of character development, there is nothing that propels like praise. Keep in mind, the praise is not for what they have done. It is the expression of honor you receive by who your daughter is becoming when you see her confident, pleasant greeting of a local leader followed by a kind, caring look into the eyes of an onlooking child that admires her. It is the “attaboy” offered to a son who willing helped a neighbor at personal inconvenience or sacrifice.
Wouldn’t it be great if those things were true about your kids? It can be, depending on how good you are at aiming. I caution you that aiming high also has high costs, and high risks. Intuitively, parents seem to know what is possible for their families. At times though, we Smiths had a problem with sticking to the “possible.” Instead, we often chose to aim for the impossible, and that worked a lot better for us.
So, what are you aiming at? Take time to list some character traits that are of high value in your family. Make the list no longer than five, but maybe as few as three, so focused attention and effort can be given to making a plan for progress.
